NO,NO, NO I don't want to go!

I just returned from a 4 night 5 day cruise to Cozumel, it was my very first cruise. My girlfriend set the whole thing up and let me tell you, I really did not want to go. I drug my feet all the way... She bought the cruise with her flyer miles, got me the plan ticket and made sure we had enough credit to enjoy a cocktail every hour on the hour. :) and I still drug my feet!

Just ask my mother, she can tell you stories of how much I hated to go anywhere there were people. I am a rebel and an introvert. Most people may never guess that about me. They may think that I am outgoing and very much a talker. They may tell you that I never shut up and I seem very comfortable in crowds, and they would be very much mistaken.

I have never much liked group gatherings.  I always make sure that if I go to visit anyone that they know I don't want to go anywhere and most definitely do not want to meet new people.  When I travel, I want to be alone, I want to sit silently somewhere and listen to sounds, feel the wind and turn off my mind because it is normally so busy, busy, busy with all the grind that we call adulthood.

So when Tammy asked me to go, I dreaded the close proximity with all those people and all that clammer and interaction that seems to be the main idea behind cruises. As you can see from my pictures I was MISERABLE!

As I said before, I drug my feet all the way... well to the ship dock and then I decided it was time to give it a go. I will admit there are a lot of people, more than I prefer, but they are all perfectly happy to be there without giving you much notice. And Tammy was quite content going on her way to do her own things, such as working out, using the whirlpool and swimming without guilting me into anything at all. And so I slept....On the deck, in the sun, in the solarium, in the room. I ate and drank but almost always staying clear minded and never feeling hung over (other than a food hangover, here and there). I meditated, listened to the ocean and allowed my mind to let go of all worries for those wonderful 5 days. Feeling deeply relaxed and clearly healthier from all the sun, silence and solitude and then coming home with a better understanding of myself and my discomfort in crowds and with people.

I have always been in tuned and highly sensitive to extreme activity. I can easily be drawn into conversation and with little encouragement, but at the same time I find I am open and fragile to the effects that are occurring all around us. Effects such as the seen and unseen judgements that are continually being made. The effects that the energy vampires leave behind by draining and stealing others life force. And the ability to take on others feelings even though you have little or no involvement in the outcome. I realize that I need to let go more, trust the process and open up to more adventure in my life. But at the same time I find the process and adventure to be overwhelming and crippling.

It is this crippling effect that brings me to my need for alone time to empty my mind and expand my suppressed and stifled energy. This alone time allows me to decide how much I want to open myself up to the energy of any given situation and once again enjoy the journey.

This sensitivity has been most of the reason that I say "NO, NO, NO I don't want to go!" Most of the reason behind my lack of confidence and my strong, fiery personality. It is my protection, my suit of armor that keeps the negativity somewhat at bay. Those of us who are introverts or autistic are simply intuitive, sensitives who are overpowered by the collective energies that are everywhere. Those of us who sway from happy to sad in a fleeting moment, those of us who can go off the handle with no warning at all are exposed and open to the feelings and emotions of others in our presence.

As I grow older I can not say that I am in any way getting better at handling my sensitivity. If anything I find that I need more alone time. I find that I am more susceptible to becoming emotional on a whim. But I can say that knowing what I am and understanding myself, finding room for acceptance and making time to empty and make space inside myself has become a life saver for me as well as for those who deal with me on a daily basis. Being true to who your are, and understanding that you are a constant and ever changing being can bring you peace and help you feel less depressed and more de-compressed.

I encourage people to find the time to step inside and empty themselves from all the negativity that they collect throughout the day.  People are energetic beings by nature and do not understand how this energy works either in their favor or against them. Being open minded to the energy that surrounds you and is you will give you a new sight and grow not only your mind but your heart and soul. Explore the possibility, surround yourself with knowledge and empower yourself with light.

For this moment I feel a peacefulness. I feel an emptiness that allows me to expand from the tiny me to something so much bigger. Where ever you find yourself today I wish you health and happiness. I wish upon you a moment of expansion where you let everything go. I find even a minute of focused silence with emphasis in breathing gives me that perfect opportunity to release, expand and feel lighter.


Namaste' and happy travels